Crushed By Feelings Of Unwanted Change

unwanted change

This summer has been super hot here in Canada. The impact of climate change is hard on everyone across the globe, so why should it be any different here? I previously enjoyed the shift from one season to another with gradual changes in temperature. Now, however, it is difficult to know what to expect.

The rules in life are no longer fixed and I miss them.

You may remember that two years ago I enrolled myself in, what I called, the My Mini Marathon. I thought if I pushed myself to walk more my mobility might strengthen and last a little longer. I do my best to ward off physical losses with my degenerative disease but in the end, my spirit is no match for the likes of chromosomes and genetic whatnots. 

By the end of that summer, I was left with seriously sore shoulders and realized it was just an endurance test. Sadly, no real gain was achieved aside from an increase in daily chronic pain.

Crushed by feelings of defeat

A fair bit of time has now passed but feelings of defeat continue to swirl around in my mind like a clogged drain. 

“You crushed it!” some said, but honestly within myself, I still feel crushed.

Effort, I discovered, is not everything. This particular experience of defeat has left me with a hangover from overindulging in hope. 

Now, each morning I look at my expensive NuStep exercise machine and I just can’t muster up the enthusiasm to use it. An underlining thought of “what’s the point” plagues me.

And yet, I do not regret giving my marathon my best effort. As I recognize the real challenge in my life has nothing to do with walking and everything to do with independence. 

Not being one to complain or waste time, I directed my focus to something I could achieve; learning more computer skills. Thus, I had a productive fall and winter.

Unwanted Change

When this summer rolled around I still felt the sting of defeat and was less willing to go outdoors. I did not want to butt up against the constant crush of frustration. Ugh, it ain’t easy being cheesy. 

These are not feelings I talk about as I believe my physical challenge is mine to figure out. Although my partner is very observant and anticipates safety issues on my behalf, and thankfully is more than willing to expand her scope of support. With that in mind, we talked about ways to make the outdoors easier for me to access and decided it was time to add a deck to the back of our house.

It’s always worth the effort to think about what can be changed to help make life easier and as a result less frustrating. Taking a problem-solving approach just makes sense.

Build it and they will come

Our backyard area is majestic with lush green space, trees, and a creek that runs along the back, but all this beauty was not accessible to me because of the stairs. Two lovely, talented gentlemen agreed to build our custom deck and they really went the extra mile to ensure everything was as easy for me as possible. Thank you, Bernie and Dan!

Now equipped with a stellar BBQ, outdoor furniture, and lights, I am able to enjoy time outdoors on our spacious deck whenever the weather permits. It’s an added bonus that my partner has become a master BBQ chef!

My gradual loss of independence will always frustrate me, but with or without disability, we all face unwanted changes as our life unfolds. I am not alone. 

If unwanted change is getting you down you’re welcome to come and join me on my new deck.


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